The Touch of Your Hand
by Krisztiii
Summary: "He wants to let it go. He just wants to let it go so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable. That's what they do." 4x13 -with a little change.


**Hey there! **

**So this is what I was hoping for to happen, and until the very moment that Castle pulled his hand back, I really thought Beckett would tell him. I mean, the way she said 'Castle'... **

**Well... Enjoy! :)**

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><p>He's rubbing her hand. So what? It's just to show her something. That's totally normal, right?<p>

Well actually, it's not. Not with _them_, at least. It's too bare. Too intimate. It feels _too right_. They both know they need to sort things out. That they can't just dive into it together, not now.

Because they can't, right?

Then she feels his thumb slowing, but still caressing her hand in a circle. And that's when she decides to finally look up at him.

_Oh._

His stare is so intense, so full of love that she just wants to stay like this forever. In that moment she realizes that she _is_ ready.

He's waiting now. For her. To do something. To _say_ something. She can tell he really needs some hope now. He's already been waiting for, what, years now. She knows just as well as he does that it's not about the books anymore.

_This is it. _She feels him stopping, just holding her hand now.

"Castle–" What do you say in these situations? _How_ do you say it? _Come on, Kate, you've been practicing this in front of the mirror for weeks now. You know exactly what to say._

And then she sees the look on his face. _That_ look. The one he wears when they've done something that could be a little part of the next step, but he knows it won't be.

'_She's not ready yet.'_

He wants to let it go. He just wants to let it go so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable. That's what they do. He lets everything go and she doesn't bring anything up. And neither does he. So they never really talk about _them_.

Now however _she_ doesn't want to let it go. She's the one that can't pretend anymore.

"Yeah, there's… you get it." And he's pulling away. The perfect moment is passing. She can't let that happen. She can't ignore her feelings anymore. She needs to get this out, whatever the consequences.

"Castle, I–" She starts again but is quickly interrupted.

"It's okay, Kate. You don't have to say anything. Take yo–"

"Rick, hear me out."_ Has she just used his first name?_

"Okay." He can tell she's nervous. She keeps looking at her hands. He doesn't know yet that she just can't make herself watch the pain in his eyes that the next thing she's going to say will cause.

"I..–" _Go on, Kate; you can do this. _"I remember."

_What?_

"Remember wh..–" And then it hits him.

He takes a step back and she looks up. She was right –there's hurt, betrayal and anger in his eyes. A second later it's just hurt and betrayal. Even worse. He is staring blankly in front of himself. Then she moves towards him and touches his arm.

Their eyes meet. There's pain and regret in hers.

"Why?" He asks; his voice is barely louder than a whisper. It breaks her heart. There are tears burning the back of her eyeballs, and she can't find her voice.

"I was scared." She says finally. "And I was just shot. I had a lot of things to deal with." She lets her hand fall from his arm. "Remember our conversation on the swings?" He gives her a tiny nod. "I've been seeing a psychologist. And a few weeks ago I got to the point of… admitting… that I _am_ ready. I'm still broken and can't let my mother's murder just go and you deserve a lot better; someone that can give you everything. But now here I am, ready for a relationship with you, if you still want me. I love you too, Castle."

She closes her eyes and a single tear falls. The next thing she feels is his thumb wiping away the tear and before she can even open her eyes his lips are on hers and while his right hand is still on her cheek, his left one grips hers and squeezes it.

After a moment of realization she kisses him back with all the love she feels for him. Her left hand is gripping his jacket so hard she thinks she's gonna cause some permanent damage in it.

Honestly, she doesn't care. And neither does he.

They break apart for air and she touches her forehead to his. There are still tears in her eyes but she's smiling. And so is he.

"You're not forgiven yet." He says softly.

"I know." She grips his jacket with both hands now and hides her face in his chest. He then puts one of his fingers under her chin and lifts her head.

"I love you." He whispers as soon as she meets his eyes.

"I love you too." With that, she closes the distance between them again.

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><p><strong>So, did you like it? Love it? Hate it?<strong>

**Let me know. ;)**


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